😂 ISSUE #15: “Texas Rare-Nerve Drive-Thru: It’s Only Funny If You Read It
Mom Said No
📝 EDITOR’S NOTE
If you want medical answers you can drive thru the drive thru, and come see Kit and Spot. 'They’re just waiting for you to roll over that rubber dinger thing to announce your arrival. They’ll be right with you! If you want actual medical sense, you might need to U-turn and pray for WiFi.
We’re the only clinic in Texas where the breakfast menu lasts all day, your blood sample gets tube-mailed to a mystery destination, and all advice comes with a little extra moo. Gravy is not extra here.
Stay wobbly, stay weird, and maybe bring extra napkins. At Rarely Serious, we know laughter may not be FDA approved, but it sure beats crying in the car.
Happy Thanksgiving from Kit, Spot and the kids.
Caution: Contents May Be Included
🏁 WELCOME TO THE ONLY CLINIC SERVING HOT, COLD, FRESH, NUMB AND SLIGHTLY CONFUSED
Some clinics have valet parking. Ours has two faded traffic cones, a menu board, and a drive-thru lane so tight you’ll lose your side mirror if you cough. Welcome to the wedge-shaped wonder of Central Texas medicine: population “whatever fits in the car.” No appointment? No problem. No hope? We’ll sprinkle some on your steering wheel and call it seasoning.
Kit is your greeter, nurse, banker, mechanic, groundskeeper and local gossip channel. If you’ve lost your insurance card or your dignity, Kit knows exactly which drawer it’s in. No worries.
Drive-Thru Menu Board:
“CIDP Combo Meal”: Includes a side of mysterious numbness and a six-pack of skeptical looks.
“Autoimmune Smiley Face Meal”: Instead of a toy, you get a pamphlet, a glucose test, and a long stare from Kit.
“GBS Blizzard”: Starts as weakness, ends with frosted confusion.
“MOGAD Chef’s Surprise”: Actually IS a surprise.
“Insurance Shake”: Just a paper cup filled with Kit’s laughter.
“NeuroNerve Juice”: Bottled water. Sorry.
“Gluteneous” (Gluten Full for those who don’t care.)
Sides:
“Swab ‘N Go” (Collect your own! No instructions provided.)
“Drive-By Diagnosis” ( Kit leans out the window and yells, “Could be chronic.”)
“Extra Napkins For Spills And Tears” (Limited quantities. BYO tissues.)
“Alcohol Wipes” (C’mon, we use them for a lot more than just infusions.)
You want a gluten-free life crisis? We have it in snack size. Just drive back and forth over that dinging thing. We’ll bring it right out.
Is this thing even on?
📢 PULL UP, TALK TO KIT, FEAR NOTHING
You roll to the menu. Kit’s voice rattles through the speaker like he’s auctioning livestock:
“Y’all want the full symptom sampler or just a taste of discomfort today?”
“MOO-DACARE or ‘medical dare?’ Pick one please.”
“Can’t pronounce the new infusion therapy? That’s extra.”
Kit can process complex diagnostics while simultaneously judging your dusty dashboard. It’s like being last in line, except for those pesky rare diseases and existential dread.
Incoming!
🚀 THE PNEUMATIC TUBE: INSTANT SAMPLE DELIVERY (AND PRIZES!)
Forget fancy labs. Our tube system is so old it’s just tubing taped to a leaf blower. Insert your blood, your hair, your hope, or your glove (on accident).
Possible returns:
Kitten stickers
Last year’s flu swab
Donut hole with your results written in icing
Chicken Nuggets-ish
If the tube shakes, that means it’s working. If it explodes, you’ve probably invented a new syndrome and you will be featured in next week’s newsletter.
Q: “Did the pneumatic tube eat my sample?”
A: “Science says no. Experience says maybe. Reality says quite possibly. Consult an expert.”
Swipe Card Here
📞 ORDER AT THE NEXT WINDOW, PAY NOW
Once you decide if today is a “Nerve Melt” or “IV in a Box” kind of day, lean out your window and holler into the world’s only PA system that also works as a cattle call. Kit will ask three questions, ignore your answer to the last one, and then give you practical advice peppered with local gossip.
Actual transcript:
Kit: “Welcome to Neuro-Nuggets! You want prognosis with fries today or just the fear of the unknown?”
You: “Uh, can I get the lumbar panel with a side of hope?”
Kit: “Pull forward—Spot has opinions on that.”
When We Say Drive Thru We Mean It
🐮 SPOT THE BOVINE COUNSELOR: THERAPY YOU DON’T HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
At Window #2, meet Spot, our actual cow and honorary therapist. Spot’s counseling philosophy:
“If it looks edible, try eating it. If that doesn’t help, lie down and stare at nothing until noon.”
“Most problems resolve after a big sigh and snacks.”
“If he turns around, try not to take it personally. (He’s moody with eye contact.)”
Spot will gently lick your window, then wander off dramatically. This is called “Discharge Planning.”
Rarely Serious: where cow therapy counts as evidence-based and the mental health discharge forms are just feed receipts.
🛏️ SLEEP LAB IN THE PARKING LOT
Some clinics do in-home sleep studies. We do “sleep impressions”:
Nap in your car while waiting.
Try all the positions: head against steering wheel, feet in cupholders, one hand out the window.
Kit will grade your sleep on a scale from “refreshing” to “that looks illegal.”
If you sleep through your appointment, congratulations—you qualify for our “Insomnia Noodle Bowl.” Pull around and get back in line for your reward.
💬 REAL QUESTIONS FROM POSSIBLE PATIENTS
Q: “Can you test for everything?”
A: “Yes, but we're subtitling the results in pig Latin.”
Q: “Will insurance cover this?”
A: “Only if you agree it’s just for entertainment. Get in line again while we get that together for you.”
Our Friendly Staff At Your Service
🏆 GRAND FINALE: WHAT DID WE LEARN?
Nuttin, Honey. While you may not be ROTFL, nobody’s crying. You are welcome.
🌟 TEXAS NEURORARE SISTER SHOUTOUT
Don’t forget, our Cousin Newsletter over at Texas NeuroRare is working hard to keep things legit—with real doctors, real answers, actual phone numbers, and fewer cows per page.
Rarely Serious
Issue #15: Inspired by true events and actual cows. Next week: Medical advice on a biscuit.
Road Trip!