RarelySerious
Medical Records Transfer: A Horror Story
Read Time: Less time than it takes to get your records (so, not long)
📝 EDITOR'S NOTE
By Kit Whimsley, Chief Fax Machine Whisperer
Howdy, beautiful paperwork warriors!
It's 2026. We have AI diagnosing diseases and robots doing surgery. But transferring your medical records from Dr. Smith to Dr. Jones? THAT requires a fax machine from 1987, three blood sacrifices, and a receptionist named Brenda who's the only person who knows how it works. Forget Anything Xactlyevergoingtomakeitontime
Welcome to the greatest comedy show in modern medicine.
REMEMBER: THIS IS ALL FAKE (but feels real, doesn't it?)
📠 THE FAX MACHINE AWAKENS
Q: Why does my new neurologist need a FAX to get my records?
A: Because healthcare runs on 1987 technology and if we upgrade, the whole system collapses.
What You Think: "I'll just have them sent electronically!"
What Actually Happens:
Old doctor: "We need a signed release form."
You: "Email it?"
Old doctor: "We'll mail it."
You: "...with a stamp?"
Old doctor: "With a stamp."
The stamp arrives three weeks later. Your appointment was yesterday. You forgot why you needed it. Start over.
Texas Translation: Your medical records are traveling more than you are. They've been to Dallas, Memphis, and possibly Tulsa. They're having adventures. They're not coming back.
📞 THE PHONE TREE OF DOOM
You call to confirm they got the form.
Ring ring
Recording: "Your call is very important to us."
Narrator: It is not.
Recording: "Press 1 for appointments. Press 2 for billing. Press 3 for medical records. Press 4 to question your life choices."
Press 3
Recording: "Our office hours are Monday through Friday, 10 AM to 2 PM, except Tuesdays, the second Wednesday of months starting with J, and whenever Mercury is in retrograde."
Current time: 2:47 PM Thursday.
You've been on hold 47 minutes. The hold music is a kazoo having an existential crisis. You've memorized it. You could perform it at Carnegie Hall. You HATE this song.
Best part: Someone finally answers. "Medical records? Let me transfer you."
Back to hold music
Your soul leaves your body. You live in this phone call now. This is your home.
📄 THE INCOMPLETE RECORDS DISASTER
PLOT TWIST: The records arrive! Success!
Wait.
They're from 2019. You've had 47 appointments since then.
What Arrived:
Intake form you don't remember
Lab results from mystery tests
Prescription for medication you're not on anymore
Random page that's definitely someone else's colonoscopy results???
What DIDN'T Arrive:
Your actual diagnosis
Recent test results
Treatment history
The last 5 years of your medical existence
Call old doctor. They need ANOTHER release form for the records they ALREADY SENT but NOT ALL OF THEM.
The bureaucracy is RECURSIVE. It's a loop. You're trapped. This is forever.
💾 THE CD-ROM PLOT TWIST
Some offices offer your records ON A CD.
A CD. In 2026.
Things without CD drives:
New computers
Your laptop
Your car
Anything made after 2015
Probably the NEW doctor's office
Your options:
Buy external CD drive ($40) for free records
Show it to someone under 25 and watch them treat it like alien technology
Use it as a coaster
Mail it and pray
Comedy Gold: You get the CD to new doctor.
New doctor: "We don't have a CD drive. Can you email us the files?"
YOU DON'T HAVE ONE EITHER. You're both staring at this shiny disc like it's a museum artifact. Nobody knows what to do. It's beautiful chaos.
🎭 YOU BECOME THE LIVING MEDICAL RECORD
There is no happy ending. Records still in transit. You've given up.
You now tell your medical history from MEMORY like an oral tradition passed through generations.
"Once upon a time, in 2019, I had weakness in my left foot..."
You've memorized EVERYTHING. Every test. Every result. Every medication. Every side effect.
Congratulations: You're more reliable than the actual records system. You ARE the archive. The fax machine hasn't won—YOU'RE just operating on superior technology (your brain, when it cooperates).
🌟 THE ACTUALLY GOOD NEWS
You survived medical records transfer. That means you have the patience of a SAINT and persistence of someone who WILL NOT be defeated by 1987 technology.
That's not just impressive—that's LEGENDARY.
Tomorrow's Forecast: More forms! More faxes! More phone trees!
And you'll be there, spelling your name for the 47th time, explaining YES you're the patient, YES you deserve your own records, and NO you should not need to sacrifice livestock to get them.
Stay persistent. Stay patient. Stay ready to recite your medical history from memory.
Tomorrow requires more paperwork. Might as well laugh about it.
Until the records arrive (so, never),
Kit Whimsley
Chief Records Archaeologist
"Not medical advice. Just solidarity in the chaos."
REMEMBER: THIS IS ALL FAKE (except fax machines, those are REAL)
📧 Your horror story: [email protected]
Sister newsletter: TexasNeuroRare Weekly (serious stuff lives there)
Doin That Medical Records Dance